I don't really remember seeing people breastfeed. Honestly, out of my Mom's 8 sisters and 5 sister-in-laws as well as my Dad's sister, I don't remember any of them breast feeding in my presence. Some of them breast fed their babies, some didn't, some couldn't. In general, I can't really remember ever seeing ANYONE breast feed their babies when I was younger. I didn't see it in my family, I didn't see it in our community, I didn't even see it on TV or in any larger societal situation. I knew people did, but really it just wasn't a part of my world view.
Ten years ago I had a surgery to reduce the size of my breasts. The doctors told me then that I may not be able to breastfeed. Well, at 18 years old my perspective on that consequence was a lot different that it is now. In the months before Lucy was born I just kept hoping and wishing and praying that I would be able to breast feed. I knew it wouldn't be the end of the world if I didn't breastfeed. My mom had tried with all of her kids. But I was premature, Charlie was allergic, and with Kate she ended up with terrible mastitis. My aunt lost her supply totally only a few months after my cousin was born. Another Aunt had adopted my cousin. None of us were really breastfed (or not for a long time) and honestly, I think we all turned out pretty great (if I do say so myself). I wouldn't consider my Mom or Aunts bad mothers. I don't think it caused us to be less bonded to our mothers or have lower IQs. But I also knew that this was just something I wanted to do.
The moment they placed Lucy into my arms, and helped her latch on I looked at my midwife and asked if I would be able to do this. She didn't even play into my doubt but matter-of-factly said I would and away we went. Within a few days my nipples were bleeding. Lucy would latch on and I would curl my toes and try not to cry. I emailed friends asking for help, downloaded apps for my phone to help, read copious amounts of google searched articles on the topic, and my dad even had a co-worker with a baby a few months older call to offer help. My sister-in-law offered much needed knowledge, assistance, and encouragement from another state away, after she'd been through it all before with her little one. A lactation consultant came to our house and we were relieved to know that she was getting milk. We tried nipple shields, nipple creams, and different positions. But by Friday I was running a 104.5 degree temperature, coming down with mastitis, dreading holding my crying baby, and on the verge of my own breakdown. I gave up and Chris picked up a can of formula. It was both a relief to not nurse and an incredible feeling of hopeless failure.
How could something so "natural" be this hard?
I pumped and pumped and pumped. My body healed, Lucy grew. My awesome cousin bought me a hands free pumping bra, and I rejoiced over every ounce. We got through a growth spurt with breast milk and formula. And thought I wasn't quite sure I wanted to experience it all again, I knew I couldn't give up. That's the problem - once you know whats best for your baby you can't "unknow" it... I couldn't settle for less, or at least I couldn't just give up.
I gave it another chance, and when it started getting painful, I called in another lactation consultant. "Maybe it's a tongue tie that's causing the problem" Off we went to a pediatric dentist, and in fact we were up against a class 4 lip tie. I had never heard of this before. Dr. Margolis was fantastic and though there were tears (from Lucy and myself) within a half hour she was nursing again - the problem fixed with a state of the art laser.
Things progressed pretty great after that... but then there was a milk blister and more pain. I went to a walk-in breast feeding support clinic. No signs of thrush, but what could be causing the pain? Research and facebook support groups pointed to "vasospasms".
Again, I ask - how could this activity be so HARD when it's supposedly natural?!
And then, I read about a gorilla - living in captivity who had never seen another mother feed her child and therefor had no idea how to feed for her own baby. (Read more about the gorilla mommy here.)
I felt like that gorilla - aside from not knowing what I was doing, and even though I had tried to learn (reading the books, watching the videos, and researching online) I was still a new, scared, and overwhelmed mom.
I didn't intend to be a breastfeeding activist. And while I think that women should have the right to feed their babies wherever and whenever they want to, I am more comfortable using a nursing cover and trying to be discreet. I do not think that moms who use formula are bad moms, but I do believe this:
Everyone makes the assumption that breast feeding should come naturally - and when we do that, we actually end up encouraging moms to give up when its difficult. I fought hard to nurse my baby. There aren't commercials showing moms nursing their children. There are commercials promoting formula. Three days after Lucy was born she hadn't lost a pound, but my pediatrician tried to prepare me to supplement with formula because she likely "wouldn't gain weight just with breast milk". Hospitals send home a sample of formula, and I can understand when you're a new mom scared that your baby is starving you might resort to supplementing. I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but I do understand that there's a lot of money to be made by selling formula. Breast milk is free. It has all the nutrients your baby needs, so someone is missing out on your dollar for formula, or vitamins, or rice cereal. It's a smear campaign... just like a midwife depicted as dirty and inept, formula was celebrated for being better, more nutritious, and a guarantee that baby was eating. I feel like it was expected that I would not breast feed. Somewhere along the line women were told that they didn't know how to birth their babies... that they didn't know how to feed their babies. The power of the woman was taken away. If there had been the resources, would my mom have been taught how to check a preemie's latch? Would she know to try eliminating foods that perhaps my brother was allergic to and reacting to in her milk? Would a lactation consultant help my mom through the mastitis or teach my aunt how to increase her supply? I mean, I can go online and read about women who haven't nursed for months RELACTATING to nurse their child. I knew within a day what food I was eating that was causing Lucy to be fussy. And yet it was still a fight. It wasn't until I found support and educated myself that I realized that my baby was getting enough to eat, that there were other contributing issues at hand, and that breast feeding is something that you AND YOUR BABY both have to learn how to do. I had to develop my resources, gain perspective, and stay true to my convictions. And if I couldn't nurse my baby, then so be it. But I sure as heck was going to try. I just wanted to make it a week, and then a month, and now here I am and I just want to make it through her teething. But NO ONE should tell a women that she can't or even worse - shouldn't do something because they know her body better than her.
Why is it that women's bodies have to be perfect and can pleasure a man, but have no ability to birth their own babies? Why is it that breasts have become such an object of sex, something for men to ogle over and claim for themselves, but cannot be trusted to feed our babies? All my life I have tried to be thin, be more athletic, fill a stereotype. I have criticized and pinched and poked and worked for something different. I have looked at my body as flawed. But, gosh darn it... I am reclaiming this body. My body rocks. And I hope that women everywhere reclaim theirs. Birthing is hard. Breast feeding is hard. But criminy... anything worth doing, often is.
Thank you.
*steps down from soap box*
Ten years ago I had a surgery to reduce the size of my breasts. The doctors told me then that I may not be able to breastfeed. Well, at 18 years old my perspective on that consequence was a lot different that it is now. In the months before Lucy was born I just kept hoping and wishing and praying that I would be able to breast feed. I knew it wouldn't be the end of the world if I didn't breastfeed. My mom had tried with all of her kids. But I was premature, Charlie was allergic, and with Kate she ended up with terrible mastitis. My aunt lost her supply totally only a few months after my cousin was born. Another Aunt had adopted my cousin. None of us were really breastfed (or not for a long time) and honestly, I think we all turned out pretty great (if I do say so myself). I wouldn't consider my Mom or Aunts bad mothers. I don't think it caused us to be less bonded to our mothers or have lower IQs. But I also knew that this was just something I wanted to do.
The moment they placed Lucy into my arms, and helped her latch on I looked at my midwife and asked if I would be able to do this. She didn't even play into my doubt but matter-of-factly said I would and away we went. Within a few days my nipples were bleeding. Lucy would latch on and I would curl my toes and try not to cry. I emailed friends asking for help, downloaded apps for my phone to help, read copious amounts of google searched articles on the topic, and my dad even had a co-worker with a baby a few months older call to offer help. My sister-in-law offered much needed knowledge, assistance, and encouragement from another state away, after she'd been through it all before with her little one. A lactation consultant came to our house and we were relieved to know that she was getting milk. We tried nipple shields, nipple creams, and different positions. But by Friday I was running a 104.5 degree temperature, coming down with mastitis, dreading holding my crying baby, and on the verge of my own breakdown. I gave up and Chris picked up a can of formula. It was both a relief to not nurse and an incredible feeling of hopeless failure.
How could something so "natural" be this hard?
I pumped and pumped and pumped. My body healed, Lucy grew. My awesome cousin bought me a hands free pumping bra, and I rejoiced over every ounce. We got through a growth spurt with breast milk and formula. And thought I wasn't quite sure I wanted to experience it all again, I knew I couldn't give up. That's the problem - once you know whats best for your baby you can't "unknow" it... I couldn't settle for less, or at least I couldn't just give up.
I gave it another chance, and when it started getting painful, I called in another lactation consultant. "Maybe it's a tongue tie that's causing the problem" Off we went to a pediatric dentist, and in fact we were up against a class 4 lip tie. I had never heard of this before. Dr. Margolis was fantastic and though there were tears (from Lucy and myself) within a half hour she was nursing again - the problem fixed with a state of the art laser.
Things progressed pretty great after that... but then there was a milk blister and more pain. I went to a walk-in breast feeding support clinic. No signs of thrush, but what could be causing the pain? Research and facebook support groups pointed to "vasospasms".
Again, I ask - how could this activity be so HARD when it's supposedly natural?!
And then, I read about a gorilla - living in captivity who had never seen another mother feed her child and therefor had no idea how to feed for her own baby. (Read more about the gorilla mommy here.)
I felt like that gorilla - aside from not knowing what I was doing, and even though I had tried to learn (reading the books, watching the videos, and researching online) I was still a new, scared, and overwhelmed mom.
I didn't intend to be a breastfeeding activist. And while I think that women should have the right to feed their babies wherever and whenever they want to, I am more comfortable using a nursing cover and trying to be discreet. I do not think that moms who use formula are bad moms, but I do believe this:
Everyone makes the assumption that breast feeding should come naturally - and when we do that, we actually end up encouraging moms to give up when its difficult. I fought hard to nurse my baby. There aren't commercials showing moms nursing their children. There are commercials promoting formula. Three days after Lucy was born she hadn't lost a pound, but my pediatrician tried to prepare me to supplement with formula because she likely "wouldn't gain weight just with breast milk". Hospitals send home a sample of formula, and I can understand when you're a new mom scared that your baby is starving you might resort to supplementing. I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but I do understand that there's a lot of money to be made by selling formula. Breast milk is free. It has all the nutrients your baby needs, so someone is missing out on your dollar for formula, or vitamins, or rice cereal. It's a smear campaign... just like a midwife depicted as dirty and inept, formula was celebrated for being better, more nutritious, and a guarantee that baby was eating. I feel like it was expected that I would not breast feed. Somewhere along the line women were told that they didn't know how to birth their babies... that they didn't know how to feed their babies. The power of the woman was taken away. If there had been the resources, would my mom have been taught how to check a preemie's latch? Would she know to try eliminating foods that perhaps my brother was allergic to and reacting to in her milk? Would a lactation consultant help my mom through the mastitis or teach my aunt how to increase her supply? I mean, I can go online and read about women who haven't nursed for months RELACTATING to nurse their child. I knew within a day what food I was eating that was causing Lucy to be fussy. And yet it was still a fight. It wasn't until I found support and educated myself that I realized that my baby was getting enough to eat, that there were other contributing issues at hand, and that breast feeding is something that you AND YOUR BABY both have to learn how to do. I had to develop my resources, gain perspective, and stay true to my convictions. And if I couldn't nurse my baby, then so be it. But I sure as heck was going to try. I just wanted to make it a week, and then a month, and now here I am and I just want to make it through her teething. But NO ONE should tell a women that she can't or even worse - shouldn't do something because they know her body better than her.
Why is it that women's bodies have to be perfect and can pleasure a man, but have no ability to birth their own babies? Why is it that breasts have become such an object of sex, something for men to ogle over and claim for themselves, but cannot be trusted to feed our babies? All my life I have tried to be thin, be more athletic, fill a stereotype. I have criticized and pinched and poked and worked for something different. I have looked at my body as flawed. But, gosh darn it... I am reclaiming this body. My body rocks. And I hope that women everywhere reclaim theirs. Birthing is hard. Breast feeding is hard. But criminy... anything worth doing, often is.
Thank you.
*steps down from soap box*
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