The kind of Mom I want to be...

When you get pregnant, aside from the instant amounts of "Congratulations" (or just screaming in my family's case), you also are instantly barraged with advice. Go onto any mommy blog or website and read the comment section, everyone has an opinion on the "best way" to raise a child. And differing opinions? If not met by skepticism you are often met by judgement. It's not uncommon that you may hear someone from an older generation proclaim "How did we ever survive?" or "It's amazing we lived past our childhood!"

When I think about the "Mom I want to be" I could talk about parenting philosophies, I could talk about why I do what I do, but really I want to talk about how I want to come across to other moms.

Shortly after Lucy was born, I was developed a mean case of mastitis (you can read about that here). I missed an old friend's wedding. I felt terrible. I had RSVPed yes, thinking my daughter would not arrive 2 weeks late and never imagining the terribleness of mastitis. I had people RVSP "yes" to my wedding and then not show up. I know that a seat at a wedding can cost a lot of money, that often there are "B" lists with friends who would love to share the day, I know that money was spent, headaches were had, and the "no show" can be just downright frustrating. I felt terrible that I had been that person for one of my friend who I held so dear.

And yet, when I apologized I was greeted with a warm and understanding welcome, reassured that no grudge was held.

Alternately, I was still sick and had a not quite yet three week old when I missed another event. When I went to make my apology, I was found that I had to defend myself. I knew that I had let people down when I could not attend an event but I also knew what was best for me. I also knew that at three weeks old I did not feel comfortable traveling two hours with my babe. Not only did I have to explain myself. defend my choices, but I also listened to parenting advice and how they had done this or that and I should not be doing x, y, or z. Within weeks of my own powerful birth, after facing my own parenting obstacles, and in a general daze from lack of sleep/new momma bliss - I was made to feel not only a failure as a friend but as a mom as well. I could not apologize enough for letting someone down but the response was a complete 180 degrees from the previous time, and absolutely damaging.

It made me think. A lot. I am generally quick to share my experience, quick to give advice or help, quick to share information as I have it. I love to learn from other mothers and I long to be a part of a circle of mothering friends. But as my friends embark on their own motherhood journeys, I never want to make them feel how I felt.

Just because I had a home birth I am no better, no more powerful than any other mother. Regardless how they earned the title, be it with the use of medication, by Cesarean, induction, adoption, etc. Just because I believe in breastfeeding and have prevailed at it despite all of our trials and problems, DOES NOT mean that I condemn those who formula feed. I have contemplated giving up and resorting to use formula in the earliest hours of the morning feedings. I know the pain and the issues that arise when breastfeeding. I know that many are not given support, are not set up for successful, or simply are not drawn to breastfeeding. And I will not judge them for that.

Some mommas bed share, others use cribs.
Some feed their babies purees, others participate in baby led weaning.
Some vaccinate, some don't.
Some raise their children in a faith tradition, others do not participate in one.
Some children are raised in single family homes, or with two dads, or two moms.
My decisions are right for my family, and I am in no way able to judge others for their choices.

I am absolutely incredibly ecstatically PUMPED up to be Lucy's mom. I amaze myself at how much I read, research, and question. I may share my opinion or ideas. But above everything I want to celebrate this new life, the growth of a family, and the amazing woman doing all the heavy lifting. And I hope that other mommas would do the same with me, respectfully sharing ideas.

The bottom line - I will not, do not, can not compare my child to yours, my husband to yours, my parenting style to yours, me life to yours. It will make me crazy and I have NO want to hurt or tear you down. I have never and will never want or intend to be that way. If I have ever made anyone feel that way, I apologize with all my heart. I want to love you. I want to celebrate you. I want to counsel, collaborate, and BE FRIENDS with you. We may disagree and that's ok. Being a Mother is hard enough, we don't need to tear each other down.

That's the mom I want to be.

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To Lucy at 8 months

Hi Little Bug,

Happy 8th month birthday! I love you so much - it's actually mind blowing.

I'm sitting here in the morning, while you're asleep on your Daddy's chest, and I keep looking at the blank screen trying to figure out all I want to say to you. It's truly hard to put into words.

May flew by. I'm really not sure what happened. We did a lot of traveling - it's starting to be summer and that means our calendar blows up with things to do. We spent Mothers Day with Great Grandma Anne in Indianapolis. It was so much fun to see your GREAT Aunts and Uncles - when I was younger they lived in New Jersey and California, so I am so glad they've moved back to the Midwest. We went and visited Grandma Julie in Iowa, went to your first garage sale, experienced our first family car trouble (a flat tire on the side of a small road out in the cornfields), and the first hints of summer weather with days in the 80s. We went to the cottage in Michigan - cleaned up after a tree fell on the roof, tore down a wall (you're Poppy is a little crazy), and you experienced the beach for the first time. Oh Lucy, I think we're going to have a lot of fun on the beach. You seem to enjoy the feel of sand better than the feel of grass - but you wanted to eat it just as much. You just kept shoveling it into your mouth! Ugh, little girl. I hope someday you'll listen when I tell you not to do things. Your Grammy and I kept trying to keep the sand out of that little mouth, but you are stubborn!

Speaking of putting things in your mouth - you LOVE to eat! You have a whole list of things that you love to try out from blueberries, bananas, and carrots to guacamole and salsa. Sometimes you make funny faces when you try something new, but we've also learned that you like to be funny and make us laugh by making faces - even when eating something you've already tasted. You're a little actress! But still most of the time you prefer to just snuggle up to me and nurse. I'm ok with that, I know it wont last forever and I'll miss that time together.

And if you aren't eating, you're often talking. I'm such a worry wart and asked your Grammy if you should be talking more. The next day you were jabbering up a storm. I'm sure that you're always going to try to prove me wrong, ha ha. From sighs in your sleep to calling out to get our attention, you have found your voice. Most of the time you're making typical baby noises - mamama, bababa - but then again sometimes your "mama" is much more profound and catches my attention differently. You're very ticklish and your laugh just makes us all laugh. And you love to blow raspberries. Just the other day you crawled up to me, looked me square in the face, pursed out that little bottom lip and started blowing raspberries and spraying me in the face. Sometimes, all I can do is just laugh.

You are a girl on the go! If you wake up before me, I often wake up to you ON me. You stand bracing yourself on my shoulder - or face - and bounce up and down, ready to go. You're crawling better and faster by the moment and your ability to pull yourself up and creep along the furniture is leaps and bounds better. You've discovered the fun of chasing Ellie around the house, testing your Daddy and I's ability to "baby proof", and you are discovering new things to play with - like splashing in Ellie's water bowl! You are strong, strong willed, and you know what you want. I'll watch you do something and call out "ah ah ahhh, Lucy no." and you turn your little head to look at me and give me the most mischievous smile. You are starting to really push your limits.

I feel like time is flying by, and I want desperately for everything to just slow down. Sometimes I feel like I can't keep up. I can't do all the things I want to do. Lucy, no matter what - even if I don't get all the cute pictures taken, or the crafts done, or the house cleaned - it's because I am just trying to soak up as much of you as I can. It's because when you come in the door with your Daddy after work, I just want to hug and squeeze and breathe you. It's because in the morning I push the call of the alarm to the very last second so that I can stare at your sleeping beauty a little longer, or that I can hold you a few minutes more, or that I can just enjoy watching you wake up. You are so loved - really by everyone. We are always having strangers come up and talk to you, your grandparents, great grandparents, aunts and uncles, and most of all - your Daddy and I.

My favorite part of May has been the walks we take at night. Daddy or I strap you onto our backs or if you seem sleepy, onto our chest. We get Ellie on her leash, and we walk to the park. I love to see you discover and check things out. You love to look around at everything, especially any other kids, with this quizzical look that has become so "typical Lucy". Your eyebrows raised and in knots and then suddenly they give way to a smile and a squeal of delight. You "talk" to us and just enjoy everything. But sometimes you fall asleep, and Daddy and I hold hands as we walk, and I think about this is everything I've ever wanted. And that truly takes my breath away.

xoxo I love you,
Momma

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