The kind of Mom I want to be...

When you get pregnant, aside from the instant amounts of "Congratulations" (or just screaming in my family's case), you also are instantly barraged with advice. Go onto any mommy blog or website and read the comment section, everyone has an opinion on the "best way" to raise a child. And differing opinions? If not met by skepticism you are often met by judgement. It's not uncommon that you may hear someone from an older generation proclaim "How did we ever survive?" or "It's amazing we lived past our childhood!"

When I think about the "Mom I want to be" I could talk about parenting philosophies, I could talk about why I do what I do, but really I want to talk about how I want to come across to other moms.

Shortly after Lucy was born, I was developed a mean case of mastitis (you can read about that here). I missed an old friend's wedding. I felt terrible. I had RSVPed yes, thinking my daughter would not arrive 2 weeks late and never imagining the terribleness of mastitis. I had people RVSP "yes" to my wedding and then not show up. I know that a seat at a wedding can cost a lot of money, that often there are "B" lists with friends who would love to share the day, I know that money was spent, headaches were had, and the "no show" can be just downright frustrating. I felt terrible that I had been that person for one of my friend who I held so dear.

And yet, when I apologized I was greeted with a warm and understanding welcome, reassured that no grudge was held.

Alternately, I was still sick and had a not quite yet three week old when I missed another event. When I went to make my apology, I was found that I had to defend myself. I knew that I had let people down when I could not attend an event but I also knew what was best for me. I also knew that at three weeks old I did not feel comfortable traveling two hours with my babe. Not only did I have to explain myself. defend my choices, but I also listened to parenting advice and how they had done this or that and I should not be doing x, y, or z. Within weeks of my own powerful birth, after facing my own parenting obstacles, and in a general daze from lack of sleep/new momma bliss - I was made to feel not only a failure as a friend but as a mom as well. I could not apologize enough for letting someone down but the response was a complete 180 degrees from the previous time, and absolutely damaging.

It made me think. A lot. I am generally quick to share my experience, quick to give advice or help, quick to share information as I have it. I love to learn from other mothers and I long to be a part of a circle of mothering friends. But as my friends embark on their own motherhood journeys, I never want to make them feel how I felt.

Just because I had a home birth I am no better, no more powerful than any other mother. Regardless how they earned the title, be it with the use of medication, by Cesarean, induction, adoption, etc. Just because I believe in breastfeeding and have prevailed at it despite all of our trials and problems, DOES NOT mean that I condemn those who formula feed. I have contemplated giving up and resorting to use formula in the earliest hours of the morning feedings. I know the pain and the issues that arise when breastfeeding. I know that many are not given support, are not set up for successful, or simply are not drawn to breastfeeding. And I will not judge them for that.

Some mommas bed share, others use cribs.
Some feed their babies purees, others participate in baby led weaning.
Some vaccinate, some don't.
Some raise their children in a faith tradition, others do not participate in one.
Some children are raised in single family homes, or with two dads, or two moms.
My decisions are right for my family, and I am in no way able to judge others for their choices.

I am absolutely incredibly ecstatically PUMPED up to be Lucy's mom. I amaze myself at how much I read, research, and question. I may share my opinion or ideas. But above everything I want to celebrate this new life, the growth of a family, and the amazing woman doing all the heavy lifting. And I hope that other mommas would do the same with me, respectfully sharing ideas.

The bottom line - I will not, do not, can not compare my child to yours, my husband to yours, my parenting style to yours, me life to yours. It will make me crazy and I have NO want to hurt or tear you down. I have never and will never want or intend to be that way. If I have ever made anyone feel that way, I apologize with all my heart. I want to love you. I want to celebrate you. I want to counsel, collaborate, and BE FRIENDS with you. We may disagree and that's ok. Being a Mother is hard enough, we don't need to tear each other down.

That's the mom I want to be.

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To Lucy at 8 months

Hi Little Bug,

Happy 8th month birthday! I love you so much - it's actually mind blowing.

I'm sitting here in the morning, while you're asleep on your Daddy's chest, and I keep looking at the blank screen trying to figure out all I want to say to you. It's truly hard to put into words.

May flew by. I'm really not sure what happened. We did a lot of traveling - it's starting to be summer and that means our calendar blows up with things to do. We spent Mothers Day with Great Grandma Anne in Indianapolis. It was so much fun to see your GREAT Aunts and Uncles - when I was younger they lived in New Jersey and California, so I am so glad they've moved back to the Midwest. We went and visited Grandma Julie in Iowa, went to your first garage sale, experienced our first family car trouble (a flat tire on the side of a small road out in the cornfields), and the first hints of summer weather with days in the 80s. We went to the cottage in Michigan - cleaned up after a tree fell on the roof, tore down a wall (you're Poppy is a little crazy), and you experienced the beach for the first time. Oh Lucy, I think we're going to have a lot of fun on the beach. You seem to enjoy the feel of sand better than the feel of grass - but you wanted to eat it just as much. You just kept shoveling it into your mouth! Ugh, little girl. I hope someday you'll listen when I tell you not to do things. Your Grammy and I kept trying to keep the sand out of that little mouth, but you are stubborn!

Speaking of putting things in your mouth - you LOVE to eat! You have a whole list of things that you love to try out from blueberries, bananas, and carrots to guacamole and salsa. Sometimes you make funny faces when you try something new, but we've also learned that you like to be funny and make us laugh by making faces - even when eating something you've already tasted. You're a little actress! But still most of the time you prefer to just snuggle up to me and nurse. I'm ok with that, I know it wont last forever and I'll miss that time together.

And if you aren't eating, you're often talking. I'm such a worry wart and asked your Grammy if you should be talking more. The next day you were jabbering up a storm. I'm sure that you're always going to try to prove me wrong, ha ha. From sighs in your sleep to calling out to get our attention, you have found your voice. Most of the time you're making typical baby noises - mamama, bababa - but then again sometimes your "mama" is much more profound and catches my attention differently. You're very ticklish and your laugh just makes us all laugh. And you love to blow raspberries. Just the other day you crawled up to me, looked me square in the face, pursed out that little bottom lip and started blowing raspberries and spraying me in the face. Sometimes, all I can do is just laugh.

You are a girl on the go! If you wake up before me, I often wake up to you ON me. You stand bracing yourself on my shoulder - or face - and bounce up and down, ready to go. You're crawling better and faster by the moment and your ability to pull yourself up and creep along the furniture is leaps and bounds better. You've discovered the fun of chasing Ellie around the house, testing your Daddy and I's ability to "baby proof", and you are discovering new things to play with - like splashing in Ellie's water bowl! You are strong, strong willed, and you know what you want. I'll watch you do something and call out "ah ah ahhh, Lucy no." and you turn your little head to look at me and give me the most mischievous smile. You are starting to really push your limits.

I feel like time is flying by, and I want desperately for everything to just slow down. Sometimes I feel like I can't keep up. I can't do all the things I want to do. Lucy, no matter what - even if I don't get all the cute pictures taken, or the crafts done, or the house cleaned - it's because I am just trying to soak up as much of you as I can. It's because when you come in the door with your Daddy after work, I just want to hug and squeeze and breathe you. It's because in the morning I push the call of the alarm to the very last second so that I can stare at your sleeping beauty a little longer, or that I can hold you a few minutes more, or that I can just enjoy watching you wake up. You are so loved - really by everyone. We are always having strangers come up and talk to you, your grandparents, great grandparents, aunts and uncles, and most of all - your Daddy and I.

My favorite part of May has been the walks we take at night. Daddy or I strap you onto our backs or if you seem sleepy, onto our chest. We get Ellie on her leash, and we walk to the park. I love to see you discover and check things out. You love to look around at everything, especially any other kids, with this quizzical look that has become so "typical Lucy". Your eyebrows raised and in knots and then suddenly they give way to a smile and a squeal of delight. You "talk" to us and just enjoy everything. But sometimes you fall asleep, and Daddy and I hold hands as we walk, and I think about this is everything I've ever wanted. And that truly takes my breath away.

xoxo I love you,
Momma

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To Lucy at 7 months

Hi Little Lady,

Happy 7 month birthday! Wow. Wow wow wow... I know I say this every month, but WHERE IS THE TIME GOING? *Sigh* I'll leave it at that.

You know, I feel like we are on the verge of something new every day. I'm never quite sure what you will do next. You were army crawling around for most of the last month - mastering sitting up right after Easter, and then April 25th you were crawling. Daddy brought you home, and said "watch this" he put you down on the floor and you started crawling! Since then you have become better each day. More coordinated, faster, and fearless. But even before you had been crawling you were starting to pull yourself up. Just the other night you stood holding onto the coffee table and started creeping along around it. Oh dear. You are truly on the move. Your Daddy loves you so much, he started pulling out the baby proofing gear, covering corners and putting in outlet covers. I know we will never be able to prevent all your hurts but it breaks our hearts to think of you even getting a scratch.

Speaking of Daddy, we went to see him perform in an alumni show choir show at his old high school. You love to visit your Grandma and Grandpa Walljasper as well as your Great Grandparents in Iowa. Everyone loves to see you and play with you. And we have to be honest, little Girl. You are just awesome. So well behaved and fun to be around.

Oh! Just this past weekend Aunt Julia, Uncle Mike, and Sebby came for a visit. We went to Lincoln Park Zoo. It was your first time on a public bus and you were making friends at every stop. Everyone on the bus loved you. And you of course loved to see everyone. You started something new this weekend too. You are now raising your hand as if to wave to someone. You don't wave per say but rather just lift your hand out as if saying, "HEY!" It's really stinking cute. You are also so funny. You are much more vocal, and started calling and responding when we call/respond to you. You love singing and playing peek a boo. You absolutely LOVE to look at other little kids.

Crawling, standing, scootching, waving, smiling, and "talking"... I can't wait to see all what May has to bring.

You never stop amazing me!!

I love you, I love you, I love you.

xxoo
Momma
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To Lucy at 6 months

Dearest little Bug,

How is it that the past SIX months have past so quickly? Where has the time gone? Half a year! It's scary to realize just how quickly time is slipping by.

We've started to get some nice weather, which has opened up a whole new world - outside! It's funny for me to think that you haven't felt the grass, or seen leaves, or probably even noticed the blue sky. We went for a few walks when you were first born, but that was when you were still more interested in snuggling close to me than exploring the world around you. But now... You are so excited to see everything, you may not like to sit in your car seat but you certainly like the stroller! And the swings at the playgrounds, of course.

We went on our first road trip - to Memphis! You did so awesome in the car but you had Daddy, Me, and Auntie Kate to keep you entertained. You were able to check out Graceland (I think you're going to be a BIG Elvis fan), MLK Jr and the Civil Right's movement's museum, the Stax museum, and of course Beal street. But I think you had the most fun going swimming in the hotel pool. You loved the water so much! I think we have a little fish on our hands!

You just got your second tooth. And now have the sweetest little toothy grin. With the introduction of these teeth have led to you checking out a few new foods, too! Bananas, carrots, apples, and sweet potato have been the most common. You love to hold onto a baby carrot and just gnaw away. And you are just a riot with bananas, holding the whole thing in your hand and chomping on the end. Such a big girl, ready to try everything.

And of course we just celebrated another first holiday - Easter. You helped Great Grandma make the coffee cake and color Easter Eggs - ok, well you weren't that helpful, but you were sure cute! And you thought all the colored eggs were pretty interesting. Every year Great Grandma Lu (Nonna) has pinatas for the kids to break. I looked at all my cousins - your second cousins - and couldn't help but remember when they were born. Samantha, who was the first baby I really remember playing with is now such a beautiful young woman. Ginevra, who I think was the first baby I babysat, Riana, Larissa, Nicole, and Rita - all of them I remember as babies and now they are full on teenagers. Even little Ava and Jake are running around looking for eggs. And they all just love you. Tiffany and Ava couldn't get enough of holding and playing with you. And I can see it. You are so ready to go be with the big kids. You are ready to play and keep up with all of them. I am so excited for you, I know you will have so much fun. But the time has gone by in the blink of an eye  since they were my baby cousins. Just, don't grow up that fast. I still love to kiss your little bald head as I hold you in my arms, and blow raspberries on your belly as I change your diaper.

You are so very precious to me.

I love you little Bug. Forever.

xoxox
Momma
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Tales from the Boob: a retrospective

I don't really remember seeing people breastfeed. Honestly, out of my Mom's 8 sisters and 5 sister-in-laws as well as my Dad's sister, I don't remember any of them breast feeding in my presence. Some of them breast fed their babies, some didn't, some couldn't. In general, I can't really remember ever seeing ANYONE breast feed their babies when I was younger. I didn't see it in my family, I didn't see it in our community, I didn't even see it on TV or in any larger societal situation. I knew people did, but really it just wasn't a part of my world view.

Ten years ago I had a surgery to reduce the size of my breasts. The doctors told me then that I may not be able to breastfeed. Well, at 18 years old my perspective on that consequence was a lot different that it is now. In the months before Lucy was born I just kept hoping and wishing and praying that I would be able to breast feed. I knew it wouldn't be the end of the world if I didn't breastfeed. My mom had tried with all of her kids. But I was premature, Charlie was allergic, and with Kate she ended up with terrible mastitis. My aunt lost her supply totally only a few months after my cousin was born. Another Aunt had adopted my cousin. None of us were really breastfed (or not for a long time) and honestly, I think we all turned out pretty great (if I do say so myself). I wouldn't consider my Mom or Aunts bad mothers. I don't think it caused us to be less bonded to our mothers or have lower IQs. But I also knew that this was just something I wanted to do.

The moment they placed Lucy into my arms, and helped her latch on I looked at my midwife and asked if I would be able to do this. She didn't even play into my doubt but matter-of-factly said I would and away we went. Within a few days my nipples were bleeding. Lucy would latch on and I would curl my toes and try not to cry. I emailed friends asking for help, downloaded apps for my phone to help, read copious amounts of google searched articles on the topic, and my dad even had a co-worker with a baby a few months older call to offer help. My sister-in-law offered much needed knowledge, assistance, and encouragement from another state away, after she'd been through it all before with her little one. A lactation consultant came to our house and we were relieved to know that she was getting milk. We tried nipple shields, nipple creams, and different positions. But by Friday I was running a 104.5 degree temperature, coming down with mastitis, dreading holding my crying baby, and on the verge of my own breakdown. I gave up and Chris picked up a can of formula. It was both a relief to not nurse and an incredible feeling of hopeless failure.

How could something so "natural" be this hard?

I pumped and pumped and pumped. My body healed, Lucy grew. My awesome cousin bought me a hands free pumping bra, and I rejoiced over every ounce. We got through a growth spurt with breast milk and formula. And thought I wasn't quite sure I wanted to experience it all again, I knew I couldn't give up. That's the problem - once you know whats best for your baby you can't "unknow" it... I couldn't settle for less, or at least I couldn't just give up.

I gave it another chance, and when it started getting painful, I called in another lactation consultant. "Maybe it's a tongue tie that's causing the problem" Off we went to a pediatric dentist, and in fact we were up against a class 4 lip tie. I had never heard of this before. Dr. Margolis was fantastic and though there were tears (from Lucy and myself) within a half hour she was nursing again - the problem fixed with a state of the art laser.

Things progressed pretty great after that... but then there was a milk blister and more pain. I went to a walk-in breast feeding support clinic. No signs of thrush, but what could be causing the pain? Research and facebook support groups pointed to "vasospasms".

Again, I ask - how could this activity be so HARD when it's supposedly natural?!

And then, I read about a gorilla - living in captivity who had never seen another mother feed her child and therefor had no idea how to feed for her own baby. (Read more about the gorilla mommy here.)
I felt like that gorilla - aside from not knowing what I was doing, and even though I had tried to learn (reading the books, watching the videos, and researching online) I was still a new, scared, and overwhelmed mom.

I didn't intend to be a breastfeeding activist. And while I think that women should have the right to feed their babies wherever and whenever they want to, I am more comfortable using a nursing cover and trying to be discreet. I do not think that moms who use formula are bad moms, but I do believe this:

Everyone makes the assumption that breast feeding should come naturally - and when we do that, we actually end up encouraging moms to give up when its difficult. I fought hard to nurse my baby. There aren't commercials showing moms nursing their children. There are commercials promoting formula. Three days after Lucy was born she hadn't lost a pound, but my pediatrician tried to prepare me to supplement with formula because she likely "wouldn't gain weight just with breast milk". Hospitals send home a sample of formula, and I can understand when you're a new mom scared that your baby is starving you might resort to supplementing. I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but I do understand that there's a lot of money to be made by selling formula. Breast milk is free. It has all the nutrients your baby needs, so someone is missing out on your dollar for formula, or vitamins, or rice cereal. It's a smear campaign... just like a midwife depicted as dirty and inept, formula was celebrated for being better, more nutritious, and a guarantee that baby was eating. I feel like it was expected that I would not breast feed.  Somewhere along the line women were told that they didn't know how to birth their babies... that they didn't know how to feed their babies. The power of the woman was taken away. If there had been the resources, would my mom have been taught how to check a preemie's latch? Would she know to try eliminating foods that perhaps my brother was allergic to and reacting to in her milk? Would a lactation consultant help my mom through the mastitis or teach my aunt how to increase her supply? I mean, I can go online and read about women who haven't nursed for months RELACTATING to nurse their child. I knew within a day what food I was eating that was causing Lucy to be fussy. And yet it was still a fight. It wasn't until I found support and educated myself that I realized that my baby was getting enough to eat, that there were other contributing issues at hand, and that breast feeding is something that you AND YOUR BABY both have to learn how to do. I had to develop my resources, gain perspective, and stay true to my convictions. And if I couldn't nurse my baby, then so be it. But I sure as heck was going to try. I just wanted to make it a week, and then a month, and now here I am and I just want to make it through her teething. But NO ONE should tell a women that she can't or even worse - shouldn't do something because they know her body better than her.

Why is it that women's bodies have to be perfect and can pleasure a man, but have no ability to birth their own babies? Why is it that breasts have become such an object of sex, something for men to ogle over and claim for themselves, but cannot be trusted to feed our babies? All my life I have tried to be thin, be more athletic, fill a stereotype. I have criticized and pinched and poked and worked for something different. I have looked at my body as flawed. But, gosh darn it... I am reclaiming this body. My body rocks. And I hope that women everywhere reclaim theirs. Birthing is hard. Breast feeding is hard. But criminy... anything worth doing, often is.

Thank you.
*steps down from soap box*

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To Lucy at 5 months

Dearest Lucy,

Five months?! How can that be? But here we are at five months. You have a beautiful little tooth that is peeking (and peaking) out of your gums, you're rolling, scooting, and now getting up on your hands and knees, rocking back and forth, and are about ready to launch yourself into full blown crawling. You're just amazing, so ready to get going!

For some reason you are not a fan of driving in the car anymore. I'm sure it's because of the fact that you really dont like to be stationary for long. We hung the jumpy swing in the doorframe and you just love to move around. You love to watch Momma and Daddy dance around the kitchen while doing the dishes or cooking dinner. You seemed to like the disco channel on Pandora the best - ahh, just like me. But you're always listening to music. You're taking an interest in the guitars we have around, I've tried pulling out the drum to see if you'll hit it (not quite yet), and of course we always love to sing to you. Daddy tends to sing Jakob Dylan and the Lumineers, maybe some Mumford and Sons or Buddy Holly - whereas Momma just has a crazy juke box of songs in her head. Often we land on popular songs from work (stuff from the 20s, 30s, or 40s - like "Ain't she sweet" or "The Alphabet Song") but also, I make up crazy songs about what you're doing or how much I love you. I need to try to remember them or better yet record them... I can't wait until you start to sing with us! You already are very vocal, and your little voice is just too funny. Sometimes you just need to yell and hear yourself. I have to remind myself, and sometimes other people too, that you aren't necessarily upset - you're just expressing yourself.

One of my favorite past times is to watch you try to chew on... well just about anything. You love to attack our fingers, cheeks, or especially, your Daddy's eyebrows. You're just too funny. And as much as you love to explore things by chomping on them, you are just as adept at reaching out and grabbing things - if only to put them in your mouth. You have become so good at holding your bottle, or picking up a cup to drink. Your hand eye cordination is just amazing to watch develop. I know, I sound like a total crazy person, but it's just so awesome. Now, that hand eye coordination is a new concept and one that we are trying to develop for GOOD... not for pulling on my lip or riping out hair or earrings. And as for Ellie, well you are getting very curious about your puppy and you have taken to pulling on her ears or tail. She's generally OK with this, but we keep working on teaching you, "Gentle touches...gentle...gentle".

But I already know you are a gentle person - you bring so much light and love to everyone - anywhere you go. Even in the midst of you crying or fussing you manage to stop and look at someone and smile. Everyone comments on what a happy baby you are, and so many people say that they love to see you or your picture because you make THEM happy. You are the light of our lives. Lucille means 'light" and was often a name given to babies born at dawn. We didn't necessarily plan it that way, but isn't great that you were born at dawn!?! But even more perfect is that Kathleen means "pure"... you are bight pure radiant light. And in just five months you have done nothing more than filled my life, and I am sure others, with your light.

I love you love you love you sweet girl. I can't say it enough.

xoxox
Momma

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To Lucy at 4 months

To my dearest little Lucy Goose,

Four months old?! Oh my goodness, how can that be true? Yesterday the weather was so beautiful and warm, that it almost felt like the month you were born. It is truly hard to believe that it's already been four months since that early early morning when they placed you on my chest. But at the same time, it feels like you have been here forever. I know I've said that before, but it just amazes me that you have only been with us for a short time when it feels like every part of our day is about you. My world revolves around you. You are absolutely everything.

You are huge, we have had to start packing away clothes that you have outgrown – and it absolutely breaks my heart. First of all, I love these outfits. You are so stinking cute in them! Your little blue outfit that Grandma Julie gave me before you were born stopped fitting so long ago. I tried squeezing you into it... but the buttons looked like they were about to burst and you couldn't stretch your legs at all. Your green outfit with the purple hippopotamus... I love that one! And I put you into the sleep sack that we first put you in when you were born – it was the only outfit I had on hand that morning since we hadn't even begun to unpack – and you fill it out so much more than four months ago. I remember how big it was, it practically could have just fallen off you... your arms wouldn't even stay in place, they kept slipping into the main body of the outfit. And now... now your so big it actually fits perfectly and probably wont for long! We measured you with Daddy's tape measure the other night... 26 inches! (26 and a half if we point your toes) And Momma stepped on the scale holding you – and you weigh about 15 pounds! Oh my goodness little girl!! Stop growing so fast!

This past month you were baptized, we found out that you are going to have another cousin, and we lost Ellie and then found her again. **knock on wood** It was the first month without any breastfeeding issues, the first month where it seemed like your teeth might be starting to bother you, and where you really conquered rolling. Last Sunday morning we woke up and you were in the best mood. You were rolling around and having so much fun laughing and talking with me. Oh Lucy, I wish we could have stayed there in bed playing and laughing and talking and loving for forever.

I love the way you talk. Your little voice is so funny. You watch us (Me, Daddy, your grandparents, your aunts and uncles - everyone) talk and we can see you try to figure it out. You mutter and murmur to yourself, looking at your hands or a toy or sometimes just while you're falling asleep. And sometimes you get excited and shout while jumping in my arms. Sometimes we whistle to you and your little lips start trying to mimic us. And we always sing to you, and you smile, or laugh, or try to sing along.

I love the way you want to see everything that's going on. Last night we went to a meeting to try to learn how to wear our baby carriers, and we basically learned that we aren't doing anything wrong – you are just too excited to go and explore that you don't want to confined to our chests. You're a girl on a mission – who are we to stop you from your adventures and discoveries? You reach your hands out to touch, my favorite is when you grab my face as if you were going to study it. My least favorite is when you grab and pull my hair... ha ha.

But my most favorite thing that you have started to do in the past month? My favorite thing has been you actively looking to me for comfort. I mean, you always wanted me or Daddy to hold you when you were scared or felt alone – but now you also look to us to lay your head on our shoulder. You are starting to wrap your arms around my neck. You want to be held and while you'll look around, when you're tired your snuggle your face into me and fall asleep. That's my favorite.

I hope you don't mind me wanting to hug and hold you for the rest of your life. I plan on doing just that. Happy four month birthday little girl. Your Daddy and I … and EVERYONE … just absolutely love you beyond words.

Love, hugs, kisses, and more, and more, and more,

Momma

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12:30am

I can't sleep. Aunt Katie just got to our house from work, ready to babysit tomorrow, just like every week at this time. Daddy is sawing logs, sometimes so loud it startles you, but a little shush and back to sleep you slip. Everyone is tucked in for the night, even Ellie is curled into a ball on her bed next to ours. I have to work in the morning too, but I can't stop staring at you.

My beautiful girl. You are perfect, from your whispy hair, to your picturesque little lips, to your sweet button nose, to the little breaths you take making your tummy gently rise and fall. Sometimes you yawn and make the cutest most content noises, or you stretch, rub your eyes and peek out at me before falling asleep again.

What are you dreaming about? I wonder to myself if your dreams are of me or Daddy. Or even your Grandparents or Aunts or Uncles. Or light, colors, feelings. Maybe you dream about God, or angels.

I can't help but kiss you. Even though it's a risk that you might wake up.

Oops. You just did. You rub your face into the sheets and then start squirming around. You throw your hand on my chest...find a bit of my hair to pull... And in an instant we're together. Momma and Baby. You're comforted, content, and drifting back to sleep. I reach down and hold your hand, your tiny fingers holding my thumb as you continue to nurse.

We didn't intend to co-sleep. I'm glad we do, I wouldn't want to miss this.

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