When you get pregnant, aside from the instant amounts of "Congratulations" (or just screaming in my family's case), you also are instantly barraged with advice. Go onto any mommy blog or website and read the comment section, everyone has an opinion on the "best way" to raise a child. And differing opinions? If not met by skepticism you are often met by judgement. It's not uncommon that you may hear someone from an older generation proclaim "How did we ever survive?" or "It's amazing we lived past our childhood!"
When I think about the "Mom I want to be" I could talk about parenting philosophies, I could talk about why I do what I do, but really I want to talk about how I want to come across to other moms.
Shortly after Lucy was born, I was developed a mean case of mastitis (you can read about that here). I missed an old friend's wedding. I felt terrible. I had RSVPed yes, thinking my daughter would not arrive 2 weeks late and never imagining the terribleness of mastitis. I had people RVSP "yes" to my wedding and then not show up. I know that a seat at a wedding can cost a lot of money, that often there are "B" lists with friends who would love to share the day, I know that money was spent, headaches were had, and the "no show" can be just downright frustrating. I felt terrible that I had been that person for one of my friend who I held so dear.
And yet, when I apologized I was greeted with a warm and understanding welcome, reassured that no grudge was held.
Alternately, I was still sick and had a not quite yet three week old when I missed another event. When I went to make my apology, I was found that I had to defend myself. I knew that I had let people down when I could not attend an event but I also knew what was best for me. I also knew that at three weeks old I did not feel comfortable traveling two hours with my babe. Not only did I have to explain myself. defend my choices, but I also listened to parenting advice and how they had done this or that and I should not be doing x, y, or z. Within weeks of my own powerful birth, after facing my own parenting obstacles, and in a general daze from lack of sleep/new momma bliss - I was made to feel not only a failure as a friend but as a mom as well. I could not apologize enough for letting someone down but the response was a complete 180 degrees from the previous time, and absolutely damaging.
It made me think. A lot. I am generally quick to share my experience, quick to give advice or help, quick to share information as I have it. I love to learn from other mothers and I long to be a part of a circle of mothering friends. But as my friends embark on their own motherhood journeys, I never want to make them feel how I felt.
Just because I had a home birth I am no better, no more powerful than any other mother. Regardless how they earned the title, be it with the use of medication, by Cesarean, induction, adoption, etc. Just because I believe in breastfeeding and have prevailed at it despite all of our trials and problems, DOES NOT mean that I condemn those who formula feed. I have contemplated giving up and resorting to use formula in the earliest hours of the morning feedings. I know the pain and the issues that arise when breastfeeding. I know that many are not given support, are not set up for successful, or simply are not drawn to breastfeeding. And I will not judge them for that.
Some mommas bed share, others use cribs.
Some feed their babies purees, others participate in baby led weaning.
Some vaccinate, some don't.
Some raise their children in a faith tradition, others do not participate in one.
Some children are raised in single family homes, or with two dads, or two moms.
My decisions are right for my family, and I am in no way able to judge others for their choices.
I am absolutely incredibly ecstatically PUMPED up to be Lucy's mom. I amaze myself at how much I read, research, and question. I may share my opinion or ideas. But above everything I want to celebrate this new life, the growth of a family, and the amazing woman doing all the heavy lifting. And I hope that other mommas would do the same with me, respectfully sharing ideas.
The bottom line - I will not, do not, can not compare my child to yours, my husband to yours, my parenting style to yours, me life to yours. It will make me crazy and I have NO want to hurt or tear you down. I have never and will never want or intend to be that way. If I have ever made anyone feel that way, I apologize with all my heart. I want to love you. I want to celebrate you. I want to counsel, collaborate, and BE FRIENDS with you. We may disagree and that's ok. Being a Mother is hard enough, we don't need to tear each other down.
That's the mom I want to be.
When I think about the "Mom I want to be" I could talk about parenting philosophies, I could talk about why I do what I do, but really I want to talk about how I want to come across to other moms.
Shortly after Lucy was born, I was developed a mean case of mastitis (you can read about that here). I missed an old friend's wedding. I felt terrible. I had RSVPed yes, thinking my daughter would not arrive 2 weeks late and never imagining the terribleness of mastitis. I had people RVSP "yes" to my wedding and then not show up. I know that a seat at a wedding can cost a lot of money, that often there are "B" lists with friends who would love to share the day, I know that money was spent, headaches were had, and the "no show" can be just downright frustrating. I felt terrible that I had been that person for one of my friend who I held so dear.
And yet, when I apologized I was greeted with a warm and understanding welcome, reassured that no grudge was held.
Alternately, I was still sick and had a not quite yet three week old when I missed another event. When I went to make my apology, I was found that I had to defend myself. I knew that I had let people down when I could not attend an event but I also knew what was best for me. I also knew that at three weeks old I did not feel comfortable traveling two hours with my babe. Not only did I have to explain myself. defend my choices, but I also listened to parenting advice and how they had done this or that and I should not be doing x, y, or z. Within weeks of my own powerful birth, after facing my own parenting obstacles, and in a general daze from lack of sleep/new momma bliss - I was made to feel not only a failure as a friend but as a mom as well. I could not apologize enough for letting someone down but the response was a complete 180 degrees from the previous time, and absolutely damaging.
It made me think. A lot. I am generally quick to share my experience, quick to give advice or help, quick to share information as I have it. I love to learn from other mothers and I long to be a part of a circle of mothering friends. But as my friends embark on their own motherhood journeys, I never want to make them feel how I felt.
Just because I had a home birth I am no better, no more powerful than any other mother. Regardless how they earned the title, be it with the use of medication, by Cesarean, induction, adoption, etc. Just because I believe in breastfeeding and have prevailed at it despite all of our trials and problems, DOES NOT mean that I condemn those who formula feed. I have contemplated giving up and resorting to use formula in the earliest hours of the morning feedings. I know the pain and the issues that arise when breastfeeding. I know that many are not given support, are not set up for successful, or simply are not drawn to breastfeeding. And I will not judge them for that.
Some mommas bed share, others use cribs.
Some feed their babies purees, others participate in baby led weaning.
Some vaccinate, some don't.
Some raise their children in a faith tradition, others do not participate in one.
Some children are raised in single family homes, or with two dads, or two moms.
My decisions are right for my family, and I am in no way able to judge others for their choices.
I am absolutely incredibly ecstatically PUMPED up to be Lucy's mom. I amaze myself at how much I read, research, and question. I may share my opinion or ideas. But above everything I want to celebrate this new life, the growth of a family, and the amazing woman doing all the heavy lifting. And I hope that other mommas would do the same with me, respectfully sharing ideas.
The bottom line - I will not, do not, can not compare my child to yours, my husband to yours, my parenting style to yours, me life to yours. It will make me crazy and I have NO want to hurt or tear you down. I have never and will never want or intend to be that way. If I have ever made anyone feel that way, I apologize with all my heart. I want to love you. I want to celebrate you. I want to counsel, collaborate, and BE FRIENDS with you. We may disagree and that's ok. Being a Mother is hard enough, we don't need to tear each other down.
That's the mom I want to be.
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